Never Lose Myself

My creative ability, looking for ways to emerge from challenging situations victorious.

Without realising, I had forgotten my ‘bullshitting skills’ after deciding to start putting in real effort.

Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration

Thomas Edison

That one percent is as indispensable as the larger amount of hard work required in this equation.

I have always been a lazy yet ambitious person, wanting to achieve and yet unwilling to inconvenience myself by sacrificing what I like. I would maximise on my “bulshitting” skills to make up for what I lack, finding creative ways out of difficult situations. In an art project, I would paint a self-portrait blue because skin tone is tedious to mix, claiming I was expressing my calm personality. Wanting my toy figure to stand out, I would work with a design that required me to remove components instead of messing with modelling clay to create additional parts. The resulting artwork would not be lacking in creative quality but I saved myself considerable time.

After indignantly refusing to apply for something because of the restrictions, I realised what the old me (who had nothing to lose) would have done. I would have chosen to apply via the more flexible domain- leadership- even when I have not held any major leadership positions recently. I would have taken up the challenge to get in with a personal statement as my strongest weapon and justify how one could examplify leadership through unrecognised means. Not claiming that I am bound to succeed, after who has a game plan that is infallible?

Also, I have been reading the lyrics of many Korean songs that I am currently listening to and realised elements from Internet and Korean culture that make the lyrics so much more unique and impressionable. It made a notification blink in my mind, reminding me that while my blog tends to be results of serious reflection, I can also include bad tumblr puns that I enjoy or random fun facts that I catch my attention while I scroll through Instagram explore. [I guess my posts could become more personalised when I add my own taste in humour into them (?)]. I am reminded that while I do not feel particularly attached to my Chinese background, it still played a substantial role in fashioning me -especially in upper primary school days – and utilising Chinese parables or teachings with more liberal concepts could open new perspectives and add dimension to things I want to share. I am reminded to embrace every aspect of myself despite how conflicted they may seem with each other.

The group I’m listening to have also made me feel slightly regretful for neglecting my creative interests like piano, guitar and watercolour as I busied myself with studies. Music and art used to be the desired career path of innocent 6-15 year old me but I let myself decide that I lacked the skills despite teaching myself to paint and play the guitar. I pushed my longest standing answer to “What’s your ambition?” questions aside and labelled them as hobbies instead. After eliminating the above, I made choices practically, choosing humanes over science – even though I liked both equally – because I felt jobs in science were boring, refusing to believe that I could be one of those people who invent entirely new paths tailor-made to their interests. Watching relatable people find platforms to express their thoughts and ideas rekindled within me hope that in dreams becoming reality.

As mentioned in another post, I have grown a lot these few years but thus far I have often forgotten to keep up good work I have done while being overly fixated on fixing my flaws so I wrote this post as a reminder to myself to never lose to good parts of myself 🙂 I will try to remember this! Hopefully the language in this post is ok, I was a bit sleepy while typing it out ❤ A bit drained this week, thus the lack of posts, plus all the existing drafts require thinking and tact (?) so I don’t really know when I can complete them. 

Also, I think my brain is deterioriating, either that or I’m just getting increasingly confused or critical of my posts.


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