You reap what you sow. I can never give my all to another. I dance around wanting sincereity from another yet being too afraid to bare all because reciprocation is not guaranteed. To practice this choreography is an exhausting and unrewarding experience. Every time when I am about to give up on myself and the people around me, I fall back and practice loving within only family, a circle that I can trust will never betray my efforts.
Honestly, the people within a family are never more or less perfect than the first stranger I meet on the street. I think we naturally find it easier to love our families because we are not given a choice.
With family, since neither party is given a choice in who we get to love, we are more willing to accept the other’s shortcomings because we are guaranteed that they will do the same for us. However, when we get to choose among people who will not necessarily choose us, it is inevitable to stumble across hearts in masquerade attire, hearts more guarded than the Vatican Secret Archives or simply those that do not seem to click with ours. After repeated rejection (with some successes), we learn via negativa and give up on those too far from our ideals. I learn to step into what is more practical and less loving and personally I feel that this is the black hole of compassion and empathy. Everyone has flaws, and a lot of people are less than ideal, none better than the other once we truly get to know them.
Having to gamble our feelings is unnerving for everyone and with that mentality, finding a true friend that loves you is no easy feat. I used to believe in fairy tale versions of this relationship, often judging those who mercilessly knock down the idea of friendship, believing that it is merely a social game. Now, I begin to understand how easy it is to give up, even Cinderella left the ball and got a break from dancing around the love of her life 🙂 However, thanks to God’s amazing biological design for us humans, we are all insured with the chance to learn love because no child can be born without a family, though it is unfortunate that some do get left behind by their parents for various reasons. He never fails to pour His overflowing love into our hearts through parents, parental figures etc. Praise the Lord 🙂
From my mother’s womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
I’ve been born again into your family
Your blood flows through my veins
– Bethel Music, No Longer Slaves
Just some thoughts 🙂 Funny how my previous post which was more of a rant than a purposefully crafted post was more well-liked. I guess I should try to share more personal experiences and feelings when appropriate (and comfortable haha- I tend to prefer sharing logic over emotions). Thanks for reading 🙂