16.07.2017 First Breakdown in ages. The feeling of inadequacy and loneliness that had remained buried for such a long time resurfaced. For a few days, I could not calm down enough to go about the situation rationally and finally I broke down to find out what I truly felt. Decided against going into the whys for the time being and to offer it up to Him.
Lord, I tried so hard to remove the distance between us that has accumulated over time because of the temptation of sin. I decided to close the gap because sin is 1 second of pleasure and a lifetime of regret. However, I often (wrongly) feel that you are not enough because you are so silent, that even silence can drown you out. Hearing you without the aid of your physical vessels take effort, and although I try to remind myself to steer clear from excuses, I am tired.
Lord, I tried so hard to become a happier person, to see everything positively because you saw all you had made and it was very good. (Genesis 1:31) I distanced myself from negativity that I, at the moment cannot change. I used to question the purpose of life and my purpose in life so I started actively searching for the me that You intended me to be. I did all these because I know that to follow Your Will is the only bread that can ever satisfy.
Yet I often find myself falling to sloth, sleeping, watching shows, procrastinating, instead of doing the one thing that I have responsibility to carry out, the one thing that makes me feel unbearably lonely – studying. I do not understand why the people around me eat, live and breathe textbooks, extra practices and math drills. I do not know why my show of interest in other things make me less of a good student in my peers’ eyes. Studying is inevitably done alone because I am not valuable enough to be part of a study group.
I find myself crying again, but this time in frustration. I have so thoroughly removed sadness from my life that I have forgotten what it is like to experience sadness.
Lord, sometimes I feel like becoming a typical teenager who knows not right from wrong. It is an easier path to walk. Now, my conscience stops me whenever I try to take the short cut.
Lord, I thank you for allowing me to rebuild the relationship I have with all of my family. Thank you for teaching me to love them and to feel the love they have for me. I value it so much that I am afraid to be less than perfect, for fear of destroying this delicate scene that took us long to achieve. It becomes another burden I carry.
Lord, I value and thank you for the people you have allowed me to meet, the people who bring me closer to You when they share with me what they know about You. I grew closer to these people because you gifted me with this ability to contemplate and I am afraid to show irrational emotion for fear of losing these people. I will always filter and assign meaning to what I feel before sharing, it often becomes a burden that I am unable to lessen through sharing.
Lord, thank you for gifting us with the rosary. Even though the repeated prayers may be monotonous, it is a physical way to connect with you especially in times of desperation. It is a struggle though, to focus amidst all the negative thoughts swimming in my head.
Ended up posting more recently even though I am much more overwhelmed by work, I guess my blog helps keep me grounded and reminds me that I have accomplished something :”)