Finally, a more blog-like post on my blog! Hope you like it but it’s kinda OK if you don’t. As you might be able to tell, my blog was started more for me than for anyone else and I’m trying to remember that whenever I craft my posts or reread them, scrutinising every detail, pondering whether I should remove the post.
As I often mention, I know quite a bit about my faith in theory, yet something seems to prevent me from acting on this knowledge, even though I know doing so will bring me peace and true happiness within. Below are some moments when I finally acted, and I want to remember these occasions in times of future hesitation.
- Making the decision to go for youth fellowship even if I might feel socially awkward, as I usually do around people. I prayed about it and made the decision as I remembered that it was about Him and not how others would see me. Receiving a warm welcome from friends I haven’t seen in a long while immediately upon arrival. Praising and worshiping the Lord freely without having to care about whether I looked “crazy”, assured that everyone else present was equally ‘into’ the Lord that He was their focus instead of me and my awkward worship actions.
- Doing house chores to the best of my abilities. (i.e. washing all the dishes and cooking equipment after preparing meals, cleaning the house properly instead of faking a few mop sweeps across the floor. With some grumbles but still part willingly making hot chocolate for my parents when they asked.) Knowing that I was doing my part in loving my family felt good. Learning that giving could feel good. Remembering that doing things out of love brought happiness and fulfillment. (This was something I recalled recently – that His Will was first and foremost for us to love Him, ourselves, and others; and that all the laws and commandments are mere guides to love. Thus blind obedience without love was as good as doing nothing.).
- Playing limbo with the family at my youngest brother’s suggestion. I was having the fun I always longed for with friends, except with people I’ve known all my life and am beyond comfortable with.
- Suggesting charades + all the laughter-filled times at had with my entire family. It reminded me that despite our differences, be it in faith, perception of the world etc. Despite our disagreements and inability to understand each other, my family was still a family who accepts, albeit sometimes a bit more unwillingly. I remembered that ultimately, no matter how tired I felt of “all the bs”, I will never be too tired to love and experience true love.
- 1. Realising I had a closest-to-perfect earthly father. While I was never spoilt materialistically, I know deep down that my irritability and low tolerance towards others’ less than sincere treatment of me stemmed from having a father who loved me. My father is everything to me, someone I admired, my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my most loyal supporter, advice column, respectful listener, you name it, he is it. Due to his patient guidance, constant support and full acceptance of everything that I am, I became someone who knew my worth and refused to be treated as anything less than that, and every time just after I return overseas from spending time with my father, this aspect of my personality asserts itself more. My father always gives, even when I try to give back, he still ends up giving more. (E.g. I tried to treat him to sashimi using my scholarship money as an early father’s day present. A few hours later, he gave me money more than the amount I spent on the sashimi.) 2. When I found out the amount of effort my dad put into studying had gone to waste, I felt it such a pity and felt the urge to push my father to do something about it, until it eventually occured to me that like me, my father would have his limits too, and what does it matter even if it meant no higher family income? My father was my father despite his limits and I should love him for that. Being able to accept that made me really happy because I felt I learned more about how to love.
Future me, rereading this, feeling self-conscious and judging my writing, do not delete this post, it deserves to stay public :).